Say Something
by erm31323
Summary: Written for Round 2 of the Finals for the QLFC - Severus cannot unsay the word and Lily cannot forgive him. Severus' journey after that incident until he takes the Mark. Inspired by the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World.


**A/N - Written for Round 2 of the Finals of the QLFC. My prompt was to write a story with no dialogue. This was inspired by the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World. Personally I prefer the version without Christina Aguilera, but that's just me. :) Just a warning, this is complete angst, not a bit of fluff in sight. Thanks to MaryRoyale and trollnexus for the beta! **

**Word count for judging - 3160**

**Say Something**

Severus watches her from across the Great Hall, his eyes partially hidden by the lank, black curtain of his hair. She half-smiles at Macdonald, then looks back down at her plate, the smile quickly fading and something else taking its place. He isn't sure what it is exactly because he can no longer see her eyes, but by the turn of her mouth he guesses it is probably anger. It's nothing less than he deserves, he knows. But he still can't deny that it hurts because he doesn't think that Lily has ever been angry with him.

He looks down and pushes his eggs around on his plate, then chances a glance at her again. She is still looking at the table, but her face has come up enough that he can see that it isn't anger or even disappointment, but hurt. His heart clenches for a moment at what he's done, but then his eyes widen as he realizes that if she is hurt, it means she still feels something for him. If she didn't, she would be indifferent or ignore him completely.

Severus keeps watch on her, less surreptitiously than before, hoping that she'll look at him. He schools his features into as contrite an expression as he can just in case she glances his way. Her head moves slightly and her eyes slowly rise as if being drawn up by a string. Her gaze locks with his and for a moment, he simply stares, his heart pounding so loudly he's sure that everyone at the table can hear it. He knows that the carefully contrived expression he's had on his face is gone and been replaced by something else. He's not sure what, but he holds no illusions that he looks like anything less than a gaping idiot. But for once, he does not care.

Lily stares for only a second or two, but to him it seems an eternity, the pain in her eyes knocking the breath from him. And then her jaw tightens and the fury returns. She flicks her hair angrily over her shoulder, the color a fitting symbol of her mood, and turns back to Macdonald and the other fifth year Gryffindor girls, laughing at something one of them has said before she flicks her eyes toward him for half a second and then looks away again.

When it becomes painfully obvious that he will not catch her attention again, Severus rises from the table. He ignores the questioning glances of his Housemates and leaves the Hall. He wanders the grounds, specifically avoiding the scene of the crime, as it were, and makes his way to the edge of the lake. The cloudy, windy day, so different from the one before, matches his mood.

He curses himself again in his head, he has lost track of how many times he has already done so, curses the temper and quick tongue he has inherited from his father. Contrary to what Lily said the night before, it is not a word that Severus uses often. It drips from his Housemates' lips as easily as their own names, but not his. Being a half-blood, one with a Muggle father no less, in a House nearly completely populated by Purebloods has taught Severus many things. Not the least of which is how and when to act as the others do so as not to attract attention.

She is wrong about something else as well. He has not yet made a decision to follow the Dark Lord. Of course most in his house aspire to such an aim and despite the less than pure origins from whence he comes, the Prince name is still one that is respected in Pureblood circles. Severus has been assured that he would be welcomed regardless of his parentage and he is unsure as to why he hasn't dedicated himself completely to the cause. He does not hold Muggles in any kind of esteem, his own father the most wretched excuse for one that Severus has ever known, Lily's sister not much better. But Severus knows that it has something to do with Lily herself.

And so, it is the small glances, the looks that he sees over the next few days from her that keep Severus hopeful. He does not attempt to speak with her again, for he is quite sure that she will simply rebuff him as she did before. But he holds on to the glimpses she bestows upon him as tiny possibilities. Perhaps when they are home for the summer and away from everyone else she will be more receptive.

Severus spends the last days before the end of term trying to write down his thoughts into some kind of coherent apology. He has never been good with words, not the kind he needs now anyway. The type of vitriol that his father continually spouts is never far from Severus' lips and he can cut and wound quickly and without a second thought. But regrets and confessions, deep wells of feelings, these things have always tripped him up, caused him to go mute. When they board the train to return home for the summer, he is no farther along.

The summer is long and lonely and hot. He has gone to Lily's house more than once, but she is never home or at least that is always what he's told. He doesn't believe it, but he smiles and thanks whoever has answered the door, unless it's Petunia. He merely sneers at her and walks away, ignoring the venom that flows from her mouth.

He waits on the platform, just beyond the barrier so he doesn't miss Lily when she comes through. He walks beside her, garnering the same small glances as before, but she does not speak to him. He attempts to apologize again, but she refuses to look at him until she climbs onto the train. It is then that she finally looks back, her face so full of irritation, Severus' cheeks redden. But still, it is something. At least she hasn't ignored him completely.

In Potions, Lily has partnered with someone else and Black and Potter have claimed the table next to her so he is left with the table behind. It is only when Professor Slughorn has them approach the cauldron of Amortentia that Severus realizes. He inhales the fumes of the potion and it nearly brings him to his knees. He spends the entire lesson staring at the back of Lily's head and it is the first and only time he doesn't brew correctly.

After class, he wanders the corridors aimlessly. The more he thinks about it, the more he understands that he has felt this way about Lily for as long as he can remember, he just never knew to call it love. He certainly has had no examples of it in his life to draw from. If his parents ever loved each other, it was well before he came along.

His realization gives him new purpose. Although he has suspected before, Severus knows now that he will follow Lily anywhere. He will endure the reactions of his Housemates and those of hers, including the so-called Marauders, if it means being with her. He will even go so far as to swallow his pride and beg if he has to. His mouth quirks into a rare smile and he makes a decision to redouble his efforts into convincing her he is sorry.

He spends the next few weeks trying to get her attention. He watches her when he can, trying to make eye contact and one day in the corridor he is even able to pass her a note. She reads it and then crumples it up in her hand, shoving it into the pocket of her robes, but doesn't look at him. But still, the look of irritation is there and Severus holds onto it. As long as she is annoyed with him, she still feels something.

And then one day as he walks into Potions, he sees her standing near Potter's table, laughing with him. Her eyes dance in the way that Severus loves and he is frozen to his spot in the doorway. It is not until Avery nudges him from behind that Severus takes a few shuffling steps into the room. Avery follows his gaze to Potter's table and then glances back at Severus. Severus manages to school his features back into his normal expressionless mask, but the damage has been done.

The word spreads quickly throughout Slytherin and that evening Severus is cornered by the sixth and seventh years that have already pledged their loyalty to the Dark Lord. He will not allow any of them to take the Mark until they finish Hogwarts, but their pledge is nearly as binding. Mulciber has been after Severus to make the pledge for months now, but Severus has always managed to put him off.

There are threats, the words 'blood traitor' are voiced and Severus manages to block more than one hex. He does not want to give his word, or even anything resembling it, but his heart drops to his stomach every time he pictures Lily's face and hears her laugh directed at _Potter_. His head and his heart seem to be fighting some kind of internal battle that Severus is powerless to stop and he feels as if he has drunk too much of his father's whisky. It makes him confused and fuzzy, his attention wandering away from what his fellow Slytherins are saying.

When it is over, he is not sure exactly what he has agreed to, but the smiles on the faces in front of him make him think that it isn't anything good. He excuses himself and manages to make it to his dorm where he collapses on his bed. His dreams that night are a disjointed mass of Lily's face and Potter's laugh, Mulciber's sick grin and Avery's disapproval. Severus wakes in a cold sweat, panting in fear, Lily's name on his lips.

Over the next few days, his head and heart war with each other, worsening each time he sees Lily anywhere near Potter. Severus cannot get the picture from the Potions classroom out of his mind and although she seems to still mostly ignore Potter, it doesn't seem as forceful somehow.

His head tells him to forget about her, that she is not worthy of him, that he will only be hurt worse in the end if he continues to pine for her. But his heart will not let him. The smell of the Amortentia is always in his awareness, as if a small vial of it floats continually around his head ready to skim under his nose should he forget for more than a moment how he feels about her.

He throws himself into his school work to try and ignore the constant battle that is going on inside of him. Notes that he has always taken in Potions concerning better ways to make the brews they are assigned now jam the margins of his book. He creates more new spells and although he is itching to experiment with his new cutting hex, namely on Potter or Black, he restrains himself.

It is not until almost the Easter holiday that he realizes he has not seen the small glances in quite some time. In fact, if she looks at him at all, there is nothing but indifference on her face. Severus broods for weeks before he finally approaches her in the library one evening. Lily is alone, but when he stands next to her table, she does not even glance up from the parchment she is writing on. He can tell that she knows he is there, from the slight tightening of her shoulders and the whitening of her knuckles around her quill. He attempts to speak, but nothing he says comes out correctly and eventually he simply walks away. He does not see her finally lift her head to gaze at his back when he retreats. When he reaches the dungeons, Mulciber waylays him and Severus agrees to meet with Lucius Malfoy on the last Hogsmeade weekend.

His summer is full of parties and introductions to those that Lucius feels are most advantageous, given Severus' limited contact with the Pureblood world. His Potions prowess is touted amongst their circle and hints of a sponsorship in order to obtain his Mastery are whispered in his ear. He can see the prestige and respect that he has always wanted just beyond his reach. Severus knows what expectation goes along with these offers and his head becomes louder than his heart for the time being.

It is not difficult to ignore his heart when he is back at school. Professor Slughorn has also heard whispers of Severus' offers and is more than happy to allow him the freedom to work on whatever projects he wishes. Of course, the portly teacher feels that he will get something in return and Severus does nothing to disavow him of this notion. His heart has been nearly silenced until the first Hogsmeade weekend.

Normally, Severus would not have gone into town, preferring to spend the day brewing; however there are a few rare ingredients he is hoping to find at the apothecary. He strides to the Entrance Hall and stops short when he sees Lily on Potter's arm. He stares at the two of them until he has convinced himself that she is indeed there of her own volition and his heart roars in protest.

He spends his day shadowing them, his trip to the apothecary completely forgotten. When Potter stops beneath the rowan tree on the path back to Hogwarts and kisses Lily, Severus' hand involuntarily twitches towards his wand, the hex on his lips. But Lily's smile when Potter pulls away deflates Severus' anger in a mere instant, only to be replaced by overwhelming despair.

The next few weeks pass in a fuzzy haze. Severus follows Lily constantly and though miserable, he has not lost his stealth, so she does not catch him. He is treated to her meetings with Potter and while there are not as many as he would have expected, neither are they anything he wishes to see. But he cannot stop himself.

It is Avery that finally knocks some sense into him, quite literally. Unbeknownst to Severus, Avery has been following him as well and wastes no time in dragging him into a classroom, sealing the door and cuffing him in the head before drawing his wand. Severus is quick and powerful, but Avery can hold his own in a duel and the two are soon panting in exhaustion, neither having bested the other. Avery leaves without a word, but his meaning is more than apparent.

Severus allows his head to rule once more, although his sleep is governed by his heart as his dreams are nothing more than constant visions of Lily. He presents one face to his Housemates, but inside he wears an entirely different one and he knows that if she spares him a glance, gives him even the smallest bit of encouragement, he will still give up everything for her.

It is the Leaving Feast and Severus sits at the Slytherin table for the last time. Tonight he will join many of his fellow classmates at Malfoy Manor for a celebration. And tomorrow, he is expected to fulfill his end of the bargain to his benefactor, Abraxas Malfoy. Severus has somehow managed not to take the pledge that the rest of those who will join him in being Marked have. He knows that a small part of him still holds out ridiculous hope, but he tries to ignore it.

He glances over to the Gryffindor table where Lily is seated next to Potter. A bit of nostalgia overwhelms him as he remembers watching her from this exact vantage point the night they were sorted, wishing with everything he had that they were sitting together. He thinks that back then he would have even lowered himself to be in Gryffindor if the Hat had suggested it. A small part of him thinks that even now he would do the same.

He shakes his head to clear it of that ludicrous notion. When he glances up again, Lily has turned her head towards Potter, flicking her hair behind her shoulder. Her gaze travels toward the doors of the Hall and she catches his stare from the corner of her eye. She looks at him for a moment before giving him a slight nod and then turns back to her plate. Severus' mouth hangs open in surprise.

When the Feast ends and they are dismissed to the carriages, he finds himself pushing his way through the crowd of hugging and chattering students. Although he is taller than most, he still strains to keep Lily in sight as she makes her good-byes. When he finally nears, her attention is taken by Potter. There is a curiously empty space around the two of them and Severus sees that Black and Lupin are keeping the crowd back. Potter says something that Severus cannot hear and then drops to one knee in front of Lily. Her hands fly to her mouth and tears spring to her eyes as Potter opens the small velvet box in his hand. Severus turns on his heel and stalks away, no longer able to watch, the blood pounding in his ears. He can tell by the reaction of the crowd around him what her answer is. It was laughable to hope.

That night at Malfoy Manor, Severus' thoughts are consumed with Lily's face as Potter knelt before her. He is disgusted with himself when he replaces Potter's face with his own. He looks around the room at the power and wealth that is represented. Everything that he has never had, everything that he was envious of as a child is in this room and he has been asked to be a part of it. Lily has made it quite clear that she does not share his feelings, so there is no reason why he should continue to hold onto her. As he turns to speak with Lucius, Severus pushes Lily from his head and vows that he will not let her return.

He kneels before the Dark Lord and holds out his arm, his pale skin a stark contrast to the dimness of the room. He grits his teeth against the pain, but the expression on his face remains impassive. The angry red lines that are carved into his skin remind him of tendrils of her hair and he nearly laughs aloud. Because Severus realizes while his head has given up on her, his heart most definitely has not. And just as the Mark will be forever burned into his arm, Lily will forever be burned into his very soul.


End file.
